i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
