I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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