And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
