I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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