Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
