Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
