so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
