So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I still have a little drunk in my system
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
