pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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