OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
