1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Pooping to opera.
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