There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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