turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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