I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it's like iHOP with fire
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
