I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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