I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
