we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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