i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
