I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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