I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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