NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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