So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
