last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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