I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm always down for nudity.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize