Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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