I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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