6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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