Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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