my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
