It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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