how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
