Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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