im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
