I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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