Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
