You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
