every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
