I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
