whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
