I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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