Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
