1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize