if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
