I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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