How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize