I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize