I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
