Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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