I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
