I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
