I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
