If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
