dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
