Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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