I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My life is pants optional.
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