sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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