Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
