Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
