apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
