That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
