the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
